When Supporting Becomes Enabling

I grew up at a time when parenting was more hands-off, and children were given responsibilities and consequences. By the time I became a dad that style of parenting was on the way out, replaced by a more supportive, loving approach. Now that I am a grandparent, I see daily just how far the world has continued in the supportive, loving direction. Frankly, I think it is time for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a supportive, loving parent and grandparent. But I also believe that accountability should begin at an early age. I have always been struck by the parallels between parenting and management. For the most part, leadership principles apply at home, just as they do in the workplace. It is pretty easy to spot the employees who were not raised with high standards of personal accountability.

Our oldest child presented us with constant challenges. Learning disabilities led to problems with schoolwork. Nobody likes looking stupid, so academic issues led to behavioral problems. We supported him with special tutoring, special schools and counseling, but we insisted that he meet academic and behavioral standards.

He frequently lost privileges, including the right to compete in sports. We were warned by professionals that he was headed down a path of delinquency and that drugs would probably become an issue. We investigated every possible opportunity, we cried, we argued, we prayed and we questioned every decision.

What we did not do was enable his poor performance. We watched as other parents made excuses or ignored their child’s problems. In many cases their stories ended badly, even tragically. Fortunately, our son is an outstanding husband, father, employee and friend today – and his relationship with his mom and dad could not be better.

The world has changed dramatically since we first became parents, but the need for personal accountability has not. I recall when the “War on Poverty” was started in the ‘60s and our government began throwing money at the problem. Six decades later we have more poverty and homeless people than ever. Providing financial support without requiring accountability is a concept which has always failed, and always will. Doing your children’s homework to keep them from failing is almost a guarantee that they will fail later. Allowing an employee to flaunt the rules “just this one time” is a guarantee that they will test the rules again later.

All of us – children, parents, employees – benefit from structure and accountability. I can’t help but think that bad behavior which is enabled early in life too often leads to a lifetime of underperformance. The parent who strives to be his child’s best friend does his child a disservice, just as the manager who puts harmony ahead of performance does his employees no favors.



As managers and leaders, it is our responsibility to require employees to meet certain standards whether they like it or not. Like parents, we must care for and support them through challenging times, but we must never enable substandard performance by tolerating or ignoring inappropriate behavior. We live in a world of enablers. Be a supporter, not an enabler.