Responding to Failure

TOPICs: COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Responding to Failure

I may not be a psychologist but I feel qualified to write this installment based on life experiences. I was raised in a family where expectations were always high and failures were dealt with harshly. It was not a physically violent home but the emotional tension was high and constant. I learned to feel shame and guilt at an early age and to this day they remain my immediate response when faced with any type of failure. Only in recent years have I come to realize how unproductive and damaging those emotional responses are.

Failure is unavoidable . . . period. The most successful careers often spring from seemingly catastrophic failures. Athletes overcome injuries and long odds only to succeed beyond their wildest dreams. Entrepreneurs endure multiple failures before building successful companies. The conclusion must be that it isn’t failure which shuts us down, it is our response to failure which determines our future. People who honestly evaluate the reasons behind failures are generally able to make adjustments and move on to new challenges. But those who view their failures as a source of shame run the risk of drowning in a sea of guilt. I know this because I used to be that guy.

I cannot count the number of times while growing up that I was told, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” (Unfortunately I am sure I used that line more than once with our boys.) I learned to feel shame over even the most minor transgressions and that shame led to constant feelings of guilt, whether I was guilty or not! To this day my default emotion is guilt, despite decades of working to overcome those feelings.

The funny thing is, I was a pretty responsible kid and never got into the type of trouble which would cause anyone to feel ashamed! Maybe convicted criminals should feel shame, but I was certainly no criminal. The real problem with shame is that it limits your desire to move forward. Why would you want to risk taking any action which might lead to even more shame?

I thought that I had solved my problem by moving two thousand miles away from home as soon as I was old enough. I established myself in business independent of my father but was never able to shake those feelings of shame and guilt. It wasn't until I recently listened to our pastor explain that we are all perfect in the eyes of our Creator that I found the antidote to my upbringing. If God, who sees and knows everything can forgive me for any and all transgressions, who am I to wallow in guilt? Regardless of my status in this world I am good enough for Him, and that’s good enough for me.

To some degree I suspect that all of us deal with guilt and shame. The purpose of today’s installment is to highlight the damaging effects of these emotions. If you are leading by making others feel small and ashamed, you are doing it wrong. If you are suffering the lingering and paralyzing effects of guilt, there is a way out.

Shortly after my father died several years ago, I asked my mom if he ever changed the way he felt about me. Her response was devastating. “He was disappointed,” was all she could say. Although I am sorry he felt that way I am no longer burdened by his lack of approval. My life has been full and I now find myself at a position of peace and I can’t help thinking that the Father who really counts is smiling down on me. Shame and guilt will never be fully behind me, but I am thankful to have found a way forward.